Being Called “Mom”
There’s no denying it - the name we hold evokes feelings. Think back to when you were in trouble and your parents used your full name. Remember the nickname your bestfriend gave you in middle school? Or how you know you’re arguing with your partner because they use your actual name instead of “babe”. The names people use for us are part of our identity, which is why as a stepmom the “MOM” title stirs up all sorts of feelings.
I was introduced to my SS as “Chris”. For a year or so I remained “Chris” or “Miss Chris” as bio-mom would often address me like I was a babysitter or daycare provider. “Miss Chris” annoyed the crap out of me and despite my husband’s blatant attempts to squash it, bio-mom insisted on this nickname for years; it still comes up occasionally. When my SS started kindergarten he began “slipping” and calling me “mom”. Sometimes he would correct himself, other times he wouldn’t. I always responded, either way. One notable time he appeared frustrated or confused. I simply said, “Bug (my affectionate name for him) you can call me whatever you feel comfortable with.”
He asked if he could call me “Mama Chris.”
I loved it.
Over the next year or so “Mama Chris” shifted into just “mom”. Again, I just rolled with it. We didn’t realize he referred to me as “mom” outside of our home until we got an email from bio-mom; it wasn’t a nice email. This was her attempt at telling me where I was allowed to be, when I was allowed to speak up and how I would function in my home. Yea…..not cool. Among all the jabs at my role, she brought up me being called “mom”. This epic email thread got quite long as both my husband and I were responding. There’s something my husband said that still stands out, “He calls her “mom” because that’s how he sees her. She is here, doing all the mom-like things. If you can’t be with our son all the time, wouldn’t you want him to feel comfortable and loved? If you’re putting our son’s happiness above your own- what exactly is your problem?” Ugh. I love him. He continued to assure her she will always be their son’s #1 - there was no need for competition. She never replied to the email.
Full honesty and transparency here - I enjoyed being called “mom”. While walking through multiple seasons of self-doubt, I felt validated by the title. I felt seen for what I was giving to this little boy. I felt honored. Especially in situations among other “real” moms, I felt like I belonged. While I didn’t want it to cause conflict or disrespect with bio-mom, I felt if that’s what he felt comfortable with then it would be confusing to tell him otherwise. This was a huge part of my journey, and while I don’t think I would have done anything differently, I recognize now my self-doubt wasn’t necessary.
As he’s gotten older, and now after the birth of my daughter -the “mom” title has once again evoked new feelings. I am my daughter’s mama. She calls me “mommy” and when my SS does - it feels weird. Sometimes he’ll call me “Chris” and to strangers he introduces me as his stepmom, but will still call me “mom” around family. Just the other day he said, “Thank you, stepmom!” My husband and I just looked at each other - that’s new. What I’ve realized is he’s still figuring it all out. I think he wants to call me “mom” because that’s what his little sister does - I’m mom. In the same vein he’s understanding more and more about the innerworkings of our blended family and that comes with ever-evolving feelings. I respect his loyalty to his mom, and if down the line he reverts back to “Chris” I will be supportive, just as I’ve always been.
Recently, his mom was picking him up from our house and he wanted to show her his new Legos. These interactions are always awkward AF so us adults are trying to make them quick. I told him, “no, not today.” He then whispered (loudly, like 9 year-old boys whisper) to his mom, “My mom told me I couldn’t show you my Legos.” My heart fluttered. She just smiled at him and said, “Put your shoes on.” There’s sincere growth in that reaction. Are we at a place of acceptance? Wishful thinking.
For those of you who are trying to decide what you’re comfortable being called or how to have the conversation, I suggest:
Do some inner reflecting. Some stepmoms want to reserve the “mom” title for their bio-babe. Great! Maybe there’s a nickname the kid(s) could call you? Decide what feels most comfortable for you and then chat with your partner about it so they can back you up.
Once you’re on the same page with your partner - chat with the kid(s). It doesn’t need to be a big sit-down family meeting. Make it casual the next time it comes up. If you see them stumbling on what to call you say, “Hey, I know it can be confusing - should we come up with a nickname for me?” or “You can call me whatever you’re comfortable with.”
The mom might have a reaction - totally warranted, totally normal. Sometimes it’s a situation where being called “mom” would just add too much gas on the high conflict fire, and it’s not worth it. Or maybe it’s just something that will blow over and won’t be too big of a deal. Maybe you want to let her know you don’t want that title and she can help reinforce the name you want to be called? Whatever the case - you can be prepared in knowing that this is part of the process.
When it comes to the title you hold, I feel there’s no wrong answer. Everyone’s story and dynamic is different. What matters is your own comfort - and the comfort of the child. Remember (something I wish I would have been told earlier on): You don’t need the title of “Mom” to feel valued or seen. You are perfectly perfect, all on your own.
Do you embrace stepmom? Bonus mom? Do you have a fun nickname? What are your thoughts on being called “mom”?
Comment below!
Be Well & Stay Radical,
