Expectations: A Guided Discussion with your partner
The number one killer of blended family peace (in my experience) isn’t drama from the ex. Nope. It’s the miscommunication of boundaries and expectations between partners.
Full disclosure, my husband and I only had this “expectations talk” within the past year. This means he and I were going about it blind and could have saved ourselves a lot of confusion and resentment if we would have just sat down and openly talked about our blended family.
Whether you’re fresh in this role, or a seasoned stepmom - it’s never too early or too late to have the conversations necessary to make sure the two of you are on the same page. It’s easy to get caught up in the lovey-dovey, exhilarating aspects of your new relationship and forget to lay down the foundation for a happy, healthy, respectful relationship. Neglecting to talk about expectations, boundaries and how you’re going to navigate this blended family like together leaves you vulnerable to misunderstandings, disagreements and resentment.
You can avoid all of that by heeding some hard (but unavoidable) relationship advice. Take it from someone who’s gotten distracted by the newness and ended up burnt out and resentful. You have to discuss what you want your blended family to look like so you can both move forward prepared, set up for success.
Give Your Partner Time to Figure Out Their Expectations as Well
Before you launch straight into the conversation, bring it up to your partner. If you need to have time to think about the below questions, then allow them the same opportunity. This ensures that everyone is fully prepared for a serious adult conversation and will know what they want to say and how they want to say it beforehand. If you’re both prepared for a serious talk and know where you stand emotionally, then you have a better chance of adequately communicating with each other.
Bonus: by handling this discussion in this way you’re setting an expectation for future serious conversations. It shows that you want to be mature and thoughtful, and avoid spur-of-the-moment, potentially emotionally disastrous chit-chats.
Listen With an Open Mind
Relationships are a constant give and take. Each conversation you have will require you to listen as much as you talk. The majority of every decision you make as a couple will involve some sort of compromise. You have to respect the needs of your partner in your new relationship, and they should give you the same respect. When you have your conversation about your expectations and boundaries, make sure you listen to what they have to say. Don’t shut down the moment you hear something you don’t like. Listen to them, listen to their reasons, and think about it before you blurt out the first thing you want to say.
If your significant other has some boundaries or expectations that are a hard no for you, like wanting more kids, or wanting to have the ex over for Christmas dinner, then you need to say that. Explain what won’t work for you and why, respectfully. This is a big conversation to have, but avoiding will only lead to harder conversations in the future.
In the same breath, however, don’t immediately assume something won’t work out just because it’s not something you’ve ever considered. There’s nothing wrong with saying you need a few days to think something over.
Keep it about Love & Connection
The goal of this conversation is to gain more of an understanding of each other’s expectations and (if needed) explore ways of establishing boundaries and a plan of action. Use these questions as an opportunity to learn about one another and connect. Think of it as laying the foundation of your blended family so you can have a strong, stable and loving partnership. Invest in one another.
Ground Rules
Alright, so the conversation is supposed to bring connection but we have to keep it real. These topics aren’t always easy to discuss and there is potential for confrontation. Before diving in, lay down the ground rules.
For Example:
We will speak respectfully. If we can’t speak respectfully we will take a break and come back to the conversation. (Pro tip: mutually decide how long that break will be).
We will avoid judgement, shame and blame.
We will table the conversation if it becomes too long or is unproductive. (Pro tip: exhausting yourselves isn’t good for anyone.)
Exploring Expectations & Boundaries
Below are questions to help guide you.
What does the role of a stepmom mean to you?
How do you envision the stepmom’s/your relationship with the child(ren)?
How involved do you want to be/do you want the stepmom to be?
Are there areas of parenting you don’t want stepmom to be involved in? Or you as the stepmom don’t want to be involved in?
Discuss expectations regarding gender roles. Is cooking/cleaning a shared task? How are home chores/responsibilities managed?
What’s your favorite part of being a parent/stepmom? Least favorite?
How would you describe your parenting style?
What are some foreseeable or current issues with our parenting styles and how do/will we problem solve?
How do/will we manage discipline, and will it change overtime?
What comes first - your partner or the child(ren)?
What are your expectations when communicating with the child(ren)’s mother? (Is the stepmom involved? How is this communicated?)
What do you feel is the hardest part of being a parent/stepmom?
How do you feel about co-parenting vs. parallel parenting?
Describe your ideal blended family life.
What type of dynamic do you want with the ex? (Joint birthday parties? Minimal contact?)
Discuss your current dynamic with the ex - are you satisfied with how you manage it as a couple? How could it be improved?
What are your feelings about having more child(ren)?
How do you foresee an “ours” baby changing our family? Concerns? Hopes?
If you have an “ours” baby discuss the current struggle or concerns. Do you feel you are managing them well?
How do/will we manage finances/child expenses?
How do/will we communicate about parenting concerns?
What are your thoughts on disengaging and how do/will we navigate it?
What are your thoughts about couple’s counseling?
Is there something you are currently holding negative feelings about?
How do I currently provide support for you? How can I be better?
For your convenience, you can download these questions here.
Follow-Up
A few days after you crack your hearts wide open, check-in with each other.
Tell me something you’ve learned about me through having this discussion.
Is there anything we need to discuss further or you need clarification on?
Is there anything you need from me right now?
There are no one-size-fits-all guide books on how to navigate this blended life. There will be bumps, sometimes mountains along the way, but as long as you can stay focused on what brought you together in the first place - you’ll be just fine.
I hope you found this helpful, and as always I am here for support and questions.
Be well & Stay Radical,
