FAQ: Ours Baby
How did you answer the, “Is this your first?” question?
Depending on who it was and the degree of detail I wanted to give, sometimes I would just say, “Yes.” and keep on going. Example: the grocery story clerk, or some random in an elevator. If I was getting my hair done, chatting with another pregnant woman or my doctor, I would say something like, “I have a stepson, so I’ve been doing the “mom” thing for several years, but this is my first biological child.” In my experience, people are often curious about the pregnancy and the stages of being a “new mom”, so yes, in a big way it was my first; however I was always aware about acknowledging my SS and my role in his life. People can be nosey AF, so I encourage you to give only the details you feel comfortable sharing.
How did you tell the BM (biological mom) you were pregnant?
At the time, my stepson (SS) was seeing a counselor. Every-other session us parents met with the counselor to discuss progress/concerns. This was of course back when we were still meeting in the same room and attempting co-parenting. I had the idea to tell BM in one of these sessions as a way for the counselor to sort of mediate any potential conflict. We notified the counselor ahead of time and she agreed to facilitate the conversation. We framed it in a way of wanting to get insights on ways we could support my stepson through this transition as he doesn’t do well with change.
As soon as the words, “we’re expecting a baby in September” left my lips I could biomom’s face flush with red. Suddenly, she wouldn’t stop shifting in her chair and she just remained silent, allowing the counselor to pretend this was news to her. Biomom didn’t say much during the session. Though she did make the comment that she would be concerned for my stepson feeling like he is no longer special. My husband assured her we will do everything we could to make this a happy experience for him.
When we left the session, we all awkwardly walked out together. I was into my second trimester and just beginning to really show a bump. Biomom put on her best fake smile and said, “I had a feeling you were pregnant; you have the glow.” Though it was a decent gesture and attempt at being human, I wanted to just throw up right there on the sidewalk.
Throughout the rest of my pregnancy she did several other things that were cringe worthy. Like giving me “Smooth Move” tea for after labor. Essentially, she gave me poop tea to help with any constipation. What the actual fuck? Ha! I feel like all Biomoms need to process in their own way. She didn’t go crazy like I know some do, but her kindness was still unnerving. It always is.
How and when did you tell your SS?
We waited until the second trimester to announce. My stepson was 6-years-old at the time. I had purchased a shirt for him that said “Biggest Little” and a onesie for the babe that said “Littlest Little.” I wrapped the two with a “Big Brother” book and gave it to him one morning. He was SO confused at first. He figured it out with the itty-bitty onesie. “Is there a baby?” followed by “is it a brother?”. He didn’t quite grasp any of it until my belly really started to grow. Fast forward to telling him it was a girl….
After we did our own gender reveal - where I balled my eyes out because I wanted a different experience with a baby GIRL – we placed some pink balloons in a box with some gummy worms. The gummy worms were a distraction incase shit went terribly wrong. Before opening the box we explained what the colors signify and with excitement he ripped open the box and pink balloons floated to the ceiling. He looks up, then looks at me and his dad and says with disappointment, “But I ordered a brother!” There were only two tears before he saw the gummy worms and he was fine. Ha!
Did you include SS in your baby announcement?
Yes. We took a photo with the shirts and made the announcement on social media. It was super cute.
Did you include SS in maternity photos?
No. We had professional photos taken in my hometown and the weekend we could book we didn’t have him. However, we took a lot of photos ourselves throughout my pregnancy so there’s no shortage of bump family photos.
What was your first week like with baby home?
I was so nervous about timing. My due date was on the week we had my stepson AND it happened to be the first week of first grade! I was praying I could keep that baby in until he was in school and back at his mom’s. Well, to my luck I was FIVE days late. Our baby was born on a Thursday and we didn’t get my stepson until the following Monday. My husband and I had 3 glorious days at home before we introduced him to his little sister. Now, if things worked out differently, we did plan for my SS to go to my MIL’s while we were in the hospital. And if needed she would do the exchange to biomom. My request was for at least a few days to be home before my stepson came to us. I did not feel one ounce of guilt in this request.
Did you introduce BM to your daughter? What’s that dynamic like?
There was no formal introduction. I believe the first time she saw her was when we attended a school event and my husband had our daughter in a baby carrier. She never really acknowledged her until she was a little bigger. Now, three years later BM has given her gifts and interacts with her a lot during drop-offs/pick-ups. My daughter refers to her as “brother’s other mama”, which as been interesting. Ha!
Has having an ours baby made things easier?
Such a hard question. In one word - NO. Things haven’t gotten easier - the hard shit just changed to different hard shit. Ha! Having an ours baby has quieted a lot of insecurities and impostor feelings, but other challenges have moved in its place. Now I am navigating what it is to love two very different children. How to protect my daughter from blended family drama, while also nurturing her relationship with her brother. How do I disengage from my stepson and still remain consistent with my daughter? To me, it just feels like a different season of hard. I will say though, HOW I manage stepmotherhood has gotten easier simply because of time and learning new, effective ways of coping.
What is your SS and your daughter’s relationship like?
(SS is 9yo & Daughter is 3yo)
They’re relationship is forever evolving. Overall, they love and adore each other. Any issues they have are typically normal sibling issues. However, my husband and I are often forced to recognize the unique complexities blended life presents. For example, my SS is the only child at the other home, so when he comes to our home he’s not used to sharing attention or toys. My daughter, experiences the same thing, however she has missed her brother so much and doesn’t give him any space; she’s his shadow! Sometimes I feel I am their referee, but I live for the moments when they’re coloring together or cuddling and reading books. I hope they grow to have a beautiful relationship.
