8 Tips: Overcoming Impostor Feelings
That feeling you’re not a “real mom” and soon people will see you’re a fraud...
I remember taking my stepson to a kid’s birthday party when he was 4yo. My then boyfriend couldn’t go, and for some reason I offered, “I got this. No big deal.” OMG it was a BIG deal.
I was among a sea of mothers. Like ones who had stories of pregnancy and teething. They were discussing potty-training and all of them were referred to as “mommy”. How do I talk to these women? How do I describe myself? Should I just say I’m the babysitter? What are they thinking? They’re going to see I’m just a fake. I didn’t earn this.
Anyone else have a story like this? Where the uncertainty of your role was just all consuming and you felt like a complete impostor? Who feels like this just walking around your home?
I have found the only way to stop feeling like an impostor is to stop thinking like an impostor.
Remember, there’s no such thing as a “real” mom. And of course, mom is a verb.
Here are my 8 Tips to overcome these feelings - it’s possible
Break the silence. Knowing there’s a name for these feelings and that you are not alone can be tremendously freeing. Process these emotions, and if you find it helpful - talk about them. Share with a trusted friend, family member or even your partner.
Separate feelings from fact. There are times you’ll feel like you’re just pretending. You’ll feel like a fraud. Realize feelings do not define you - the come and they go.
Recognize when you should feel fraudulent. A sense of belonging fosters confidence. If you’re the only stepmom in a sea of moms in the classroom, field, or birthday party, then it’s only natural you’d sometimes feel like you don’t totally fit in. Instead of taking your self-doubt as a sign of your ineptness, recognize that it might be a normal response to being on the receiving end of social stereotypes about competence and motherhood.
Develop a healthy response to making mistakes. Quick reminder here. Even biological moms make mistakes. Of course, as stepmoms we feel they are given more grace than us and we’re held to a higher standard - but, I’m here to say it: fuck that shit. We are only human, and just because we forgot to back their lunch or didn’t have Band-Aids at the playground doesn’t mean we aren’t cut out for this role. Give yourself grace to learn, just as the “real” moms do.
Right the rules. If you’ve been operating under misguided rules like, “Never ask for help” or “I can’t struggle” start asserting your rights. Recognize that you have just as much right as the next mom to be wrong, have an off-day, or ask for support.
Develop a new script. Become consciously aware of the conversation going on in your head when you’re in a situation that triggers your impostor feelings. This is your internal script. Then instead of thinking, “Wait till they find out I have no idea what I’m doing,” tell yourself “Everyone who starts something new feels off-base in the beginning. I may not know all the answers but I’m smart enough to find them out.” Instead of looking around the room and thinking, “Oh my God everyone here is a MOM…. and I’m not. WTF am I doing?” go with “I know my worth is not dependent on their acceptance of me.”
Praise yourself. Break the cycle of continuously seeking and then dismissing validation outside of yourself by learning to pat yourself on the back. You are doing some hard shit and you’re navigating it without a handbook (okay, there are good books out there, like this one) so make sure to stop and celebrate those stepmom wins.
Fake it ‘til you make it. Now and then we all have to fly by the seat of our pants. Instead of considering “winging it” as proof of your ineptness, learn to do what many high achievers do and view it as a skill. The point of the worn-out phrase, fake it ‘til you make it, still stands: Don’t wait until you feel confident to start feeling like you belong. Growth comes from taking risks. Change your behavior first and allow your confidence to build.
