Joint Birthday Parties
I think many of us have a hopeful and optimistic view about joint birthday parties. The idea that all parents can come together “for the kids” and celebrate seems doable. But the reality is many of us can’t, albeit shouldn’t put themselves in a situation that could lead to conflict or just make you anxious and uncomfortable. When you’re dealing with a contentious “co-parenting” dynamic, it’s hard to set that aside and coordinate for a party.
Not to mention, it’s not fun for the kids to see their parents all tense for hours on end and defeats the whole “for the kids” purpose.
In my experience in working with stepmoms, many of us (including myself) have tried at least once. Whether we feel hopeful, pressured or just want to give it a shot to prove our theory- we muster up the energy and do it. Maybe we’ll be surprised and it will go well-plan for the worst and hope for the best! Maybe it will go exactly like we thought it would and you and your partner can say, “never again.”
My Stepson’s 7th Birthday Party
We decided to do a joint party. We asked the ex to pay her portion of the venue (a children’s activity park) and to bring cupcakes. She said she was inviting 10 people. We were hopeful all would go well. Reality: she never paid her portion of the venue, forcing us into an awkward situation when we showed up and the park was needing payment. She brought cupcakes my stepson couldn’t eat because they had gluten, eggs and dairy. The people she invited were practically strangers - she barely knew them, they definitely didn’t know my stepson and the kids they brought weren’t even old enough to participate in the activities. WTH. The ex was obviously anxious too, as she stayed in the corner and barely spoke or even interacted with my stepson. What was the point?
We said, “never again”. My stepson didn’t care we were all together, he was just was happy to be with his friends (his age😉) and to be celebrated. Now, 4 years later - he looks forward to often a month long celebration with both houses. Our lesson: He doesn’t need his parents in the same room to feel loved.
FAQs:
We’re doing a joint party - how do I prepare?
Alight, so you’re doing a joint party for the kiddo - hooray! So keep that in mind - you’re there for your stepkid. Though we don’t do joint parties. I still have to occasionally see her. I always do a mental exercise and have my mantra to pretend she’s not even a factor, “I’m here for him. She’s not my purpose.” You can emotionally prepare by making sure you fill your cup before the event. What do you need to calm your nerves? Ask yourself what you’re feeling, what you may be worried about or anxious for. Talk to your partner. Can they help in any way? If you’re worried about feeling like an outsider - tell them and let them know you may need extra validation, introductions or thoughtfulness. Worried about interactions with the ex? Depending on the dynamic it could be best to be your friendliest self or, it may be more appropriate to just be present but limit engagement. Are you confused yet? Ha! That’s because the way you prepare and show up is entirely up to YOU, your dynamic, your intentions and comfort level. It can often feel like the ex always has the upper-hand, but keep in mind you also have a say in how you want (or don’t want) to be involved.
How do I tell my partner I don’t want a joint party?
If your partner feels differently I’d start a conversation by first asking to hear their perspective. Do they feel guilty if they don’t do joint? Do they have little anxiety or worry about what the experience would be like? Have they always done joint and don’t see a need for change?
While you can’t force a change, you can share your feelings and decide what boundaries work for you. Even if your partner decides to move forward with a joint party, it doesn’t mean you have to attend. Though it’s not ideal, your mental health matters more - remember that.
How do we tell the ex we don’t want a joint party?
In our case, I think the ex saw it coming based on the outcome of the party. But the way we told her was short and sweet. We sent an email and just said. “Hey, we intend on celebrating on our own this year.” If the ex asks why or for more details - decide ahead of time how you want to explain. Again, it could be as simple as “we feel it’s best for everyone if we celebrated separately; I’m sure kiddo won’t mind having more than one celebration.” Remember - if this is a boundary you are enforcing, pushback is expected. It doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong.
How do we explain to the kiddo?
The details you decide to share may be related to their age. Approaching my stepson’s 8th birthday was presented super casual, “Your birthday is coming up - your mom and I will be doing things separately this year - what would you like to do?” We didn’t feel it was appropriate to tell him the frustrations of the last party so we just said, “We’re just celebrating separately now - more parties and fun for you!” If he were older we may have explained differently. Now that he’s 11, he just knows we do things separately. Unless it’s school/sports related and we don’t have control over the timing - everything is separate.
Joint events can be stressful AF - and I am very picky and intentional about how I expel my energy.
I asked my members about their experience with joint parties, here’s what they shared:
“Once SD became “school age” to include preschool, we have done a joint friend birthday party. We divide up the duties, usually we do the cake and the party favors. BM does decorations and sometimes additional food beyond pizza like fruit or veggies. We always do it in a neutral place like one of those trampoline places, not anyone’s home. Whoever does the invites switches off every other year so we can all interact with the classroom parents. So one year BM does the invites, another year my partner does. Presents we never open at the party place and literally each take half home to open on our own with SD. Any family party is done on their own time.”
“We tried this once and it was a literal disaster. I personally booked and paid for us to have the party at a big trampoline park. BM ended up being asked to leave by the employees because she was screaming and cursing at FH and I so loudly. SD saw most of it and has been traumatized ever since, she now has panic attacks if all three of us adults are going to be in the same vicinity. So yeah, needless to say.. we won’t be doing that ever again 😂”
“We did a joint party once, and only once, the majority of it was organized by HCBM except for the cupcakes which was taken care of by us. I was so incredibly uncomfortable but put a fake smile on and spent as much time away from BM as possible. She was being her typical fake, friendly self trying to win over my parents and even went as far as to ask for their contact information. The worst part was when she discreetly suggested to my MIL, in front of SD, that we all do a "family photo". My FIL is very much the "yes dear" kind of husband and went along with it despite some of the absolutely unforgivable things that the ex tried pulling during the divorce (things that were not only directed towards DH but also FIL). DH told me about this photo and despite me telling him how incredibly uncomfortable I was with this, his hands were tied and we were basically forced to go through with this photo. I never saw the picture but BM actually positioned herself between both of my in-laws and I was on the end farthest from them. This party happened shortly before our wedding, and I was struggling a lot with feelings of acceptance from my in-laws, especially the MIL. I was very upset to say the least, DH was furious, and we did separate parties from then out.”
“We have never done joint parties. My SD literally can’t cope or talk to my husband or I when Biomom is around due to how uncomfortable Biomom is and how anxious that makes my SD. We usually had some decent separation around friend groups, but for this year, Biomom hijacked all the friends, claiming she was “honoring” SD request to have all her friends at one party. So we decided to take a trip to visit friends out of state as her “present”. Told my SD if mamma wants to plan parties, we will plan trips and celebrate with experiences. More memorable and then no extra crap presents in our home. We did a small home celebration and cake with family and told her she wasn’t getting presents since the trip was the gift.”
“We tried a version of the joint party thing, and I do NOT recommend if you have a HCBM LOL! We opted to do it on our weekend so we had more control if things went poorly leading up to the day. The plan was that Friday my SS and his friends would have a sleepover at BMs place and then Saturday we would meet up to get the boys and take them to the amusement park. All of the planning for this party was between BM and myself, my DH was not involved. I also tried to square away the exchange time on Saturday morning and she said, "we can figure that out later." The week of the event BM decided to text DH demanding we pick up the boys from her home (which is about 45 minutes away) by 10am and no later because she had social plans at 4pm that evening! We let her know that wouldn't work for us but could do 10:30 or 11am, as my bio daughter had a soccer game at 9am. Anywho.... a large argument occurred where I finally lost my marbles on BM since she was putting my daughters down. It was a good call for us to plan it on our weekend, as BM threatened to "cancel" our portion of the party if we didn't oblige. DH had the upper hand and was able to pull the "our custody time, per the parenting plan" line to hold our boundary. Did my SS have a blast at his birthday party? Absolutely! Did it need to be "joint" for him to have as good of a time? Absolutely not! Will I ever put myself in this situation again? Never! Bottom line, it gives HCBM an opportunity to cause conflict and additional access to what happens during your time, in your home and an opportunity to control.”
“We did joint parties for 5 years because my beautiful partner didn’t want his kids to know about his ex’s affair. So to pretend like everything was mutual and to act like co-parenting is easy, we did joint parties. The kids could always tell something was up. I hated going but my husband needed my support. Now my two teen SS know about the affair and now understand why joint parties were awkward. We told them we will still be open to whatever they want, and we leave it up to them. The older ones now want separate dinners. The youngest who doesn’t know, will likely want a joint party. I’ve decided after his ex sent over her daughter Covid positive and knew and didn’t tell us, I will no longer be in her presence. Ever. I have two unvaxxed babies and I was traumatized. So if my youngest SD decides to have a joint party, I’ll just be strategically out of town so she won’t feel like I’m choosing not to attend.”
“Absolutely not. She would purposely invite some of his toxic family that he has chosen to cut out of his life for valid reason just to spite him because she’s on good terms with them. She’s only on good terms with them since they split, she didn’t like them before…how convenient. So for our own sanity, we won’t do them together.”
What’s your experience with joint events?
