No kids in the Bedroom
I am doing this post because this issue is SO common. What if you don’t want kids in your bedroom? What if your partner doesn’t understand? What if you want your “ours” baby in your room, but not your step-kids? How do you find a compromise with your partner, that doesn’t make you feel guilty or like complete garbage?
Let’s break it down….
Normalize & Validate
I need to start here, because often times the stepmoms I talk to are completely questioning their sanity. I assure you, the need for a space that’s yours is NORMAL! Here are a few common reasons stepmoms want their bedroom to be a kid-free zone:
- You share your whole home with other people. Your bedroom might be the ONLY place that you can retreat to.
- A couple’s bedroom can be a sanctuary for connection and intimacy
- You value your privacy and feel uncomfortable with kids in your bed; you question the appropriateness
- You may feel judged or fear whatever is in or happens in your bedroom might get reported back to the other house
Maybe you identify with these, or you have your own reasons…regardless, your desire to have a safe space that is yours (and your partner’s) is not selfish. However, creating that space and getting your partner on board isn’t always easy. There are often complexities to consider. Here are a few…
Your Partner Likes Cuddling with the Kid(s)
I get it. They have a bond with their child(ren) that is unique. Maybe they have a routine and they’ve always been allowed to come in the bed/bedroom. Totally understandable. However…that was then, and now there’s another person (YOU) to consider. You don’t have to be depicted as the evil stepmom coming in and ruining the fun. Your partner can budge a bit and find a compromise, or mutual understanding.
A compromise (a compromise means there is sacrifice on BOTH ends):
- Cuddles can still happen, but your partner goes into the kid(s) room
- Cuddles can still happen, just not when you’re there OR,
- A new boundary is established with the kids
How to Communicate it:
To your partner:
“I really value having my own space and privacy in our home. I need our bedroom to be a kid-free zone. How can we achieve this?
Tip for discussing it with the kids: Make it a larger topic about privacy and boundaries. Introduce or reiterate knocking and personal space. Keep things consistent- if you expect them to knock and wait before entering, you do the same for them. With any new boundary, there will be resistance. Roll with it. It may take awhile so be patient and consistent. Don’t settle or abandon your own boundaries because you feel it’s not working. If it’s important to you - stay strong.
But what if you want your “ours baby” in your room?
So, full-disclosure… this is me. My stepson does not come in our room. We didn’t have a big talk with him or anything, it just happened organically as he’s gotten older. And that’s where I feel age allows for a natural progression. My daughter is 3 years-old. She’s starting to have nightmares and wakes up earlier than all of us. She gets out of her bed and comes to cuddle us. My 10 year-old stepson doesn’t need us as much. Any cuddling happens in his room, or on the couch during a movie. To be blunt, I don’t want my pre-pubescent stepson in the same bed with me. I don’t want to be worried about my underwear in the hamper or my bra on the chair.
To prevent any feelings of being left out or unfairness, we don’t flaunt my daughter’s privilege's. Meaning, if the three of us are cuddling on a Saturday morning and my SS knocks at the door, we get up. Well, my husband gets up, ha! We imagine this dynamic will change over time. My husband has shared that as our daughter gets older he won’t feel comfortable with her crawling in to bed with us. Makes sense.
I understand this dynamic is not the same for everyone. But similar to the tips above, it’s important to discuss your feelings with your partner and come to an agreement or better, a compromise.
You deserve…
to feel comfortable in your own home. You deserve to have a space that’s yours. You deserve to have adult privacy. You deserve everything you’re asking for. Your feelings may not make sense to you partner - that’s okay. This isn’t about your partner, or the kids, this is about you. It’s not too much to ask. And it sure as hell isn’t selfish. You may have to get creative, depending on your circumstances, but don’t minimize the importance of having a physical area that’s yours and yours alone. 🖤
What’s the bedroom situation like in your home? What boundaries have you set and how has your partner been supportive?
