Managing Cellphone & Screen time
It’s bound to happen….
- at some point your stepkids are going to want or need a cellphone. In pure blended family fashion, it’s more complicated than just deciding yes or no. A lot of tension is created solely because of different parenting styles, and when you have different styles and different homes - it can be a real struggle.
I asked the community to share their tips for navigating cellphone and screen time and here are the most popular suggestions.
When is it appropriate?
I feel it comes down to the age of your child, their level of responsibility and the intention and purpose behind the device. My husband and I share the parenting style of, “just be a kid. Be bored. Go get creative. Go play outside and get hurt".” Ha! Example, my stepson is 10yo and can barely remember to bring home is sweatshirt and lunchbox - this kid could not be trusted with a phone! He’s also already addicted to a screen and has no real use for needing to contact anyone - he can always use our phones. While some kids at this age have phones, access to the internet, social media etc. we don’t feel my stepson is developmentally ready.
If you’re wondering if it’s time to get your stepkid a phone - identify what the purpose and intention is. Is is because they keep asking incessantly? Are you tired of facilitating the calls to their mom on your phone? Are they old enough and responsible enough and they actually need it to call/text? Maybe they already have one at the other house and you didn’t even get to make the decision.
Make the decision based on what they can handle and what YOU and YOUR home are wanting to take on.
Who Pays?
The other house pays - In some cases, the ex has made the decision to get the kid(s) a phone. The way you choose to accept the phone in your home largely depends on your parenting dynamic, and the age of your kids. If you are navigating high conflict and/or are parallel parenting, it may be effective to not allow the phones in your home. As long as the ex can contact you in the event of an emergency, and there’s nothing in the custody order stating you need to, you can shelve the phones while in your house, or request they just don’t bring them.
Your House Pays - The reverse of the above means their mom could enforce the same rules in her home. While the kids are with you, they have their phones and their use is under your supervision.
Split Cost- Pretty straight forward and sounds most ideal if your parenting dynamic allows it. Both houses are financially invested and have access to the phone.
Teach your kid(s) about the cost and fees -
show them how to check how much call, text and data allowance is left
help them switch off unnecessary settings that use up data, like automatic downloads
explain how to use wi-fi to download content like videos, to avoid going over the data limit.
House Rules
As the parents, you can first discuss what rules you want to have regarding cellphone use. Then once you and your partner (and maybe the other house, if you’re lucky) have decided on the rules - have a meeting with the kid(s) to discuss and establish. Make the conversation collaborative so they can add their own rules and become invested. I highly suggest even having them sign a cellphone contract.
Some common house rules are:
Devices belong to parents, not kids.
No cellphones in the bedroom at night
Restrict camera access
Parents will set restrictions on devices as needed.
Here are more rules to consider and guidance on how to enforce them.
Safety & Security
NetSmartz, by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, is a great place to learn about using the Internet safely, as well as to better understand situations like cyberbullying. The F.T.C. also has its own resource for the basics on how to protect yourself and your family online.
You can set age restrictions on the apps the phone is able to download, remove apps/games from the phone, remove Internet access — and, generally, tweak the whole thing so that it becomes completely customized to suit the user’s needs.
There are also several apps that allow parents to control their kids’ phones. (You can check out this Tom’s Guide article on the best parental-control apps of 2020 to get a taste of what’s available.) These apps will range in price and level of control, but will help you make doubly sure that your child’s using their device safely.
Some choose to have a rule that every device download needs to be approved by the parent. And it’s really up to you how you decide what apps are approved and what aren’t. Some parents like to try out the apps themselves before making a decision; some parents like to do their research to see what other people have had to say about the apps. To cover all of your bases, I suggest that you try blending the two approaches.
To help you along with your research, here are the links to the “Parents” pages of the most popular social media networking sites:
If you’d like to find more advice about Internet safety and age-appropriate downloads, check out sites like Common Sense Media, which is an independent nonprofit organization that reviews online content.
Healthy Screen Time
This site is full of guidance on healthy screen time based on age.
Other Helpful Resources:
OurPact.com
Saleemanoon.com
If you have a resource or suggestion - comment below!
