5 Tips: Talking to your partner about the kids

We can’t avoid it. It’s bound to happen. You will have feedback regarding your stepkid’s behavior, or perhaps even your partner’s parenting. As stepmoms we don’t have the privilege of speaking so freely as our voice/opinions could be perceived as criticism.

It looks something like:

Stepmom: He was super difficult today. He wasn’t listening, he was rude and was so annoying.

Partner: Well you don’t need to watch him next time if he’s too much for you. He’s just a kid so maybe he’s not the problem.

Okay - so this may be a little dramatic. But I feel confident in saying we’ve all been there. We’ve all had a DAY with our stepkid(s) and we’re overwhelmed. All we really want it to share with our partner and have them listen, right? We are already carrying all these big emotions and a tough day with the kids can send us spiraling

Well, if we want our partners to hear us, we need to approach them in a way they want to listen. Let’s normalize this for a moment. Our partners struggle to hear anything negative or critical about their child. Think about it, this makes sense, right? Anytime someone you love is talking about someone you love it’s bound to create some emotions. Our partners feel like they are in the middle. They don’t want us to be unhappy, but they also feel protective of their child. They are also trying to navigate their end of the blended life and that can’t be easy either. Hearing their partner “complain” is overwhelming as they don’t always know how to fix it.

But let’s look at the big picture. It is unrealistic to think we can be active participants in our relationships and the blended family unit without discussing the kids. And even when our partners react, I don’t think they really expect us to not have feelings and opinions and want to share them. So… how can it be done in a way that doesn’t elicit an argument?

1. Know what you want the outcome to be. What are your intentions?
   Are you just wanting to vent to your partner about your day with the kids? Are you just wanting to share the egregious thing your step-daughter did and have your partner say, “Oh man! What a jerk!” OR… are you wanting to problem solve? Are you sharing concerns that need remedied with discipline or a new house rule? Knowing what you really want out of the conversation can help shape how you approach your partner. It may also be helpful to state what you aren’t trying to do. “I’m not trying to criticize you here or put you down. That’s not what I want to do. I really care about you and I really want to be closer to you.” That will help you give your partner some reassurance and indicate to your partner that you’re not trying to attack or criticize them, and it can help de-escalate the situation. Know the difference between
   explaining and complaining.

2. State what you want with a “softened start-up”
   Your partner is more likely to listen to your concerns when you start it with, “Hey babe, I would like to chat about my day with (SK), some issues came up today I’d like your feedback on. Can you let me know when might be a good time?”
   With this statement you’ve let them know your intention in a loving way, while also respecting their timeline. Allowing them to say when might be a good time to chat could increase the likelihood your partner will be in a good mental/emotional space to discuss said topic.

3. Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You” or “They”
   When you start sentences with “I,” you are less likely to be critical, which, as we know from criticism, will immediately put your partner on the defensive. Instead of saying “You are not listening to me,” you can say, “I don’t feel heard right now.” Instead of saying “He’s so disrespectful” say, “I don’t appreciate how he’s treating his sister."” Focus on how you’re feeling and what you need, not on accusing your partner. Both of you will stand to gain something from the conversation, and you will likely feel that you are hearing and understanding each other more. And one very important point: using an “I” statement isn’t an excuse to say something like, “I feel like you never listen to me.” That’s still a harsh start-up, it still blames your partner, and you’re still using “you.” Remember to stick with purely “I” statements as much as possible.

4. Describe what is happening, but don’t evaluate or judge
   Instead of accusing or blaming your partner, simply describe what you see and feel in the situation. Instead of attacking with accusations, such as “You never think he’s misbehaving,” try saying, “I seem to be the only one noticing these behaviors” Instead of counterattacking and lashing out at you, your partner is more likely to consider your point of view and what you need, and they will likely try harder to deliver the results you are hoping for with this approach. Be clear. No matter how long you have been with your partner or how well they know you, you cannot expect them to read your mind, so you need to make sure that you’re expressing your needs in a positive way.

5. Be polite and appreciative
   Just because you are in conflict with your partner doesn’t mean that your respect and affection for them has to diminish. Adding phrases such as “please” and “I appreciate it” can be helpful for maintaining warmth and emotional connection during a difficult conversation. Which is, of course, exactly when you need it most. Adding validating statements like, “I know it’s hard to have these conversations.” could encourage your partner to be more open about their experience, building more connection and understanding.

Let’s revisit that conversation from above:

Stepmom: He was super difficult today. He wasn’t listening, he was rude and was so annoying.

Partner: Well you don’t need to watch him next time if he’s too much for you. He’s just a kid so maybe he’s not the problem.

OR

Stepmom: Hey babe, I had a hard day and would love to talk with you about it. I’m hoping we can problem solve together.

Partner: Okay. What’s going on? I’m listening.

These conversations aren’t comfortable, but they don’t have to result in an argument. Ideally you want to get to a place where you can discuss parenting concerns and decisions with collaboration and understanding. The key here is first laying down the foundation of respect and appreciation.