10 Tips: Moving in together
Choosing to cohabitate is a big step in a relationship, so CONGRATS! But moving in together when there are kids involved? Well, that’s a whole other bag of newness, transitions and things to consider.
I asked my Patreon Members to contribute their tips for moving in together. Read on for things to consider, and ways to make this new chapter a little less stressful!
Talk about Expectations. Moving in together means you’ll be around not only your partner more, but the kids. Before you take the big steps, have a conversation about what you expect from one another. Will your partner want you to be involved in the parenting? If so, what and when? Hearing each other’s expectations will help alleviate the possibility of miscommunication and resentment down the line.
Know the difference between ROOMATE issues & RELATIONHSIP issues. Leaving dirty dishes on the counter is a roommate issue. Allowing the kids to disrespect you is a relationship issue. Being able to identify the difference and manage accordingly will make it feel a little less overwhelming. Talk about your pet peeves when it comes to living with someone. Would it drive you nuts if they left their socks everywhere? Will they hate it when the drain gets clogged with hair? Ha! Discussing the “small stuff” roommate issues allows for more bandwidth when you’re needing to tackle the bigger things.
Move in Day….. treat it like a party. Put it on the calendar and have pizza and cake. Make it an exciting time for everyone - not just for the couple.
Take your time. In every way. Take your time moving in. Don’t rush it. Take your time actually moving stuff. If you can do it gradual, it feels less overwhelming.
Ask your partner what they are attached to and what they don’t care you toss. Especially if you are moving into the same space the ex once lived - discuss what items your partner isn’t in love with and what you can do to make you feel more at home.
Shared by a stepmom:
”Go into each room and have each person set your intention or wish for that room. (Ex: I want our living room to be full of movie nights and card games and family time and laughter, I want our kitchen to be full of cookie baking) or whatever. It might give insight to what the kids might want or be thinking about.”It’s ok to have your stuff around. Pictures that are important to you. Your blankets. Introduce your traditions. Back to those roommate issues vs. relationship issues… communicate what you both want; don’t assume.
Make a space in the house where it is kid-free. Usually the bedroom -I talk about that here. Bedroom or somewhere else, it’s so important for you to have a space where you can go to catch your breath and relax. Don’t let it be the bathroom or the pantry. Ha!
Shared by a stepmom:
”Establish the boundaries of your space. For me, I only had our room as my own space (which wasn't really my space bc I shared it with SO). The rule was our kiddo had to ask of he could come in our room and couldn't just hang out in there. Establish the boundaries of BM entering your home etc. The first day of school I invited her over at 7:55 for the bus to come ar 8:10 and she showed up at 7:30 with her other kid and dog... Little things like that can cause anxiety and stress.”Be gentle when transitioning the kids. They are adapting too. Be patient and go slow. If you’re all in a new place, have them be part of decorating their bedroom. If just you are moving in, consider making the move in slow and gradual. Getting new furniture? Include them in the process. The first few weeks may not be the best time to tackle House Rules or Chore Charts. But eventually it might be worth implementing - include them. Allow the move in to happen with them, not to them.
Validate. Validate. Validate. It is a transition for everyone. Above all else, recognize that it’s a process. Shared by a member:
”My partner went through a lot of transition and moving during his divorce. So moving for my SD, then 7, was NOT a positive thing. She regressed and talked like a baby at one point. At the time I was confused, but learned that’s a way kids handle big anxiety. It’s not personal if they aren’t excited; you will be so excited and it’s hard when someone else isn’t mirroring that. But for the kids it may be a reminder of what they have lost. Validate validate validate! I tried to ask my SD how I could help make things better; she struggled with ideas so I offered a few. Ask what they are worried about; sometimes they are little things that are solvable (ex: my SD was concerned we wouldn’t be able to go to a park she loved which was only ten minutes from our new place). Help them be problem solvers in a way that doesn’t gloss over their feelings, but helps them have some choice and power in a situation they don’t have control over. Change is hard for adults too, so dig into your own empathy and experience w/moving!”Communicate effectively & often. Create a safe space for you and your partner to share your concerns, excitements and frustrations. This is a fun time, but can be hard for a stepmom to adapt to being with the kid(s) more. Normalize the transition as much as possible. If you need help with how to talk to your partner about the kid(s) - click here.
Do you have tips or your own experience to add? Comment below!
