Tips for Transition Day
Yup…Transition day is tough.
My Stepson has had two homes his entire life and though transition days have always been present, the way he processes them has changed as he’s gotten older. Additionally, I’ve had to navigate transition day differently as he’s gotten older. NOT ready for the teen years, btw.
Transition day impacts everyone, so it’s important to not only consider what your stepkid(s) need, but what you may need as well.
Here I am sharing my tips that make coming home on transition day a little bit easier on everyone.
For The Stepmom:
Fill your cup
Leading up to the day or hours your stepkid(s) arrive, take care of yourself. What do you need to recharge? Maybe you need to get out of the house for a few hours. Or maybe you just want to veg out and watch your favorite show, uninterrupted. Whatever it is, do it. Remember: this is an investment in yourself and your family. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Don’t set your expectations too high
I used to get so disappointed and hurt when my stepson wasn’t excited to see us. I used to take it so personal when he would come home and go straight to his room, coming out just because it was time to eat. But now, I know better. He needs time, just as I do.
Don’t Take the “My Mom” Bait
“My mom said…”, “At my mom’s house…” It is 100% normal for kids to process the transition between houses by noticing and articulating differences. It’s also normal for transitions to trigger feelings of anxiety and grief. Yes, it’s annoying AF, but breathe and don’t take it as an intentional jab to you or your home. Simple responses like, “Oh, really?” and “that sounds fun!” will suffice. Of course, if I hear about something that’s concerning, address it with your partner.
Keep your transition day focus on getting them acclimated and avoiding a major meltdown. Avoid getting emotional triggered by the “My mom” comments.
Nurture your relationship
Of course, the transition is not just tough on the children but also for you and your partner. You’ll need your partner’s support and they need yours. So, don’t forget to make time for each other and cultivate closeness. Your relationship needs to be strong to make a success of your new blended family.
For the Kid(s)
Making home feel welcoming
A lot can happen in a week, or even a few days depending on your schedule. When my SS was younger my husband would just move things around in my SS’s room, or change where he would sit at the table. Sounds like NBD, but for my SS particularly it was overwhelming. We are now more thoughtful in always making sure our home feels welcoming, and he never feels like a displaced guest. Example: when my SS isn’t home, his spot at the table becomes a catchall for art projects and mail. We make sure it’s cleared before he gets home.
Be Consistent, have a routine
Having a transition day tradition can be super helpful in providing comfort and familiarity. Pre-COVID when I would pick my SS up from school we would always listen to his custom playlist on the ride home. No need for words or small-talk. It was such an easy way for us to bond (over the Trolls soundtrack) without having to say a thing. Other things we do: spaghetti night and both kids get to choose an episode to watch together before bed.
Don’t Overwhelm
Even if there are fun plans, or you’re super excited to see them - chill. Feel it out and follow their lead. Like I said, my SS needs a few minutes to decompress and acclimate to our home. I would be way too overwhelming if I forced him to interact with me. Give time, give space.
Don’t Punish
If my stepson misbehaves on the day he arrives back home, we generally ignore it. We may gently remove him from the situation, or redirect but I almost always let it go. I dig deep and pile on the love. In all the years of transitioning, I can think of one time where something that happened on transition day required a discussion the following day.
Lead with Compassion
Show compassion and understanding to the kids who have to move back and forth. Don’t assume all is fine but be ready to listen when they need you. They may worry about missing out on something while they’re gone. The moment of packing up and moving once again can be highly emotional and feel overwhelming to them. Be by their side.
