Are you a stepmom if you’re not married?
Here’s my unpopular opinion….
YES! You do not need a marriage certificate to take on the '“stepmom” title.
Let’s break down the argument of “NO”.
The definition of stepmom technically states:
a woman who is the wife or partner of one's father after the divorce or separation of one's parents or the death of one's mother.
So… it takes a marriage to make a stepmom. No vows, no title.“They” won’t see you as a stepmom. Your friends, family, the kids and especially the ex won’t respect you as anything more than the girlfriend until you walk down the isle. Why bother?
Be happy just being the girlfriend for now. Don’t rush things and just enjoy this season of not being a stepmom.
Here’s my reasoning for “YES”.
Technically by definition marriage makes you a wife and a stepmom. But for me, the relationship of stepmom is not a relationship between my partner and I - like a marriage is. It’s a relationship between you and the child and it starts well before you walk down the isle. A marriage license doesn’t give you any legal rights (hell, schools don’t care if you’re married), so why do you need to wait for a piece of paper to take the title?
Sure “they” may not see you as a stepmom - but guess who’s going to normalize and expand the definition? You. Now, I am not suggesting you parade around or start requesting you be referred as such, but I am saying the only way to change the narrative is to gently educate on the topic. I know some kids have a hard time understanding what the stepmom role is and so it is important to respect their pace and comfort level. But once you get enough time in and you know you’re so much more than “just the girlfriend” perhaps the kids, and everyone else are open to you claiming the title. In short - don’t minimize your role to make others more comfortable - they’ll catch up.
It’s not inclusive. So going off the “you’re not married so you’re not a stepmom” logic, a woman who chooses not to marry but is committed to caring for her partner’s kids will never be called a stepmom? Yeah, that’s crap. Not all relationships end in matrimony, therefore not all stepmoms begin with matrimony. We’re excluding a whole lot of badass stepmoms with this logic.
I am 100% a supporter of taking things slow. I did a cannonball into stepmotherhood and I would absolutely do things differently if I could go back. The advice to “enjoy being the girlfriend” is totally valid - however, I want to reframe this and suggest that being a “stepmom” isn’t just a title - it’s a feeling. It’s a feeling that’s shared between you and your partner’s kids. Even if you focus on taking things slow by just being the girlfriend - you may begin to feel your relationship with the kids grow and feel a little more comfortable with the title. If you feel it, then own it.
It comes down to an argument of semantics. Yes, the words we use matter. But again, the word “stepmom” doesn’t need to be solely reserved for the married folk. Mom is a Verb - and so is Stepmom. If you’re doing the work, influencing and caring for, wiping noses and cooking, sharing your life and loving … well then, welcome to the club, sis.
I’d love to hear your thoughts! When did you take on the title? What influenced it?
