Communication with the Ex: Why and how we only E-mail
*Disclaimer: this is not to be interpreted as legal advice. Consult your attorney or Parenting Plan/Court Order to make the best decision for your family/parenting dynamic.
Communicating with the ex is often unavoidable and can be a huge source of anxiety and stress. All the different ways we communicate have their pros and cons and deciding what works best for you and your home could be the ticket to less chaos and increased peace. Let’s break it down:
Years ago my husband and the ex tried to co-parent. Most of their decisions were made through text or in passing during drop-offs. Emotions would run high, there were very little boundaries and zero accountability when the ex would say, “I don’t remember agreeing to that.” When my husband and I decided Parallel Parenting was better for our home, we also made the change to how we would communicate with her moving forward.
We identified our main issues being lack of documentation/accountability/organization and way too much impulsivity and emotion. Choosing to communicate through email only allows both homes to send emails thoughtfully and intentionally. Email is also respectful of the other’s time and energy. It states in our Parenting Plan parents should respond to emails within 48 hours - I’d say this is done about 80% of the time. Honestly a win if you ask me. Choosing to use email also keeps us organized in the event we need to go to court. Texting is only used for quick communication like you’re running late, and phone calls are only for emergencies.
How we made the change:
Before we presented the ex with this change we made one very bold move. We created a family/joint email account. Not only were we trying to change the way we communicate with the ex, but my husband and I were trying to resolve an issue of our own; he sucks at communicating details. Can you relate? I was tired of asking him what decisions were being made and relying on him to keep me informed on things that would directly impact me. So he said, “Why don’t we just share an email?” Brilliant. So we created an email specifically for our home/and my stepson. Not only is it for the ex to use, but it’s also what we give the school, MD’s, even or bills. Everything in one place.
Things to consider about a joint account:
We chose a pretty genetic email address. While I would have loved it to be thebestparentsever@gmail.com ….. we chose to use a variation of our last name - simple and not a poke at the ex.
If having you the stepmom on the email or signature line would take away from your purpose - don’t show your presence. If you want to be part of the account to increase communication, all you need is the password.
Monitor your mental health. Over the years I have fluctuated from being super involved - as in ghost writing and replying to her emails - then to I am not even reading them anymore because it causes too much anxiety. Know your limits and boundaries. Having the joint email could be a great step towards better communication, but it’s a tool for you to use only when it serves you.
So once we had the email account created - we presented the change to the ex. Here’s what we made sure to do:
We sent an email to her from our new address requesting she use this address moving forward. There was no explanation of the root purpose or my involvement.
The email came from my husband, signed my husband - not mentioning me or “we”. Though I am highly involved, this is a tactic to lower the opportunity for a high conflict response directed at me.
We stuck to the facts. We shared the benefits of emailing and made sure to highlight how it was an improvement for everyone - not just our home.
We stated our expectations and boundaries moving forward and how we would respond if they were not respected.
Example:
Her Name,
Moving forward please email from this address. In an effort to keep correspondence related to kiddo all in one place I will also be updating the school and karate.
Also moving forward I would like to change the ways in which we communicate. Please only email me with anything regarding kiddo. This includes: changes in the schedule, doctor’s appointments, extra curriculars, concerns etc. My hope is this can be an improvement to organization, respect of one another’s time and allow us both to be more thoughtful in what we are attempting to communicate. Text and phone calls will only be responded to in the event of an emergency or for immediate notifications like we’re running late. If this is not respected, I will respond and remind via email. Additionally, I will no longer be discussing important details in person as our son doesn’t need to be witness to our tension or disagreements; we can discuss all details via email. A reminder that our Parenting Agreement states we must reply to emails within 48 hours of receiving them.
Again, my hope is this is seen as an effort to improve our co-parenting dynamic. This is in no way an attempt to create more conflict or tension. I want what is best for our son and that begins with finding new ways we can improve our communication.
I am open to your thoughts or if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
_____________
Expect Push-Back
Anytime you attempt to establish a boundary you need to be prepared for push-back. Remember: Anyone who is resistant was obviously benefiting from there not being a boundary in place. Expect it, and stay firm.
She may reply with “absolutely not. This is ridiculous” and proceed to call or text 100X.
Ignore and reply only in email.She may make it about you, stepmom. “You’re only doing this because of your girlfriend (even if you’re married - ha)!” Again - help your partner stay firm. She’s losing control and she’s panicking.
She may agree and comply for awhile - but slowly revert back to texting, calling or bringing stuff up in person. Remind by replying respectfully, “I received your text/I hear what you’re saying… let’s discuss this through email.”
A big way they attempt to remain in control and defiant of this boundary is by not replying to emails. So mature, right? As I mentioned, our Parenting Plan sets those expectations, but still it’s not always followed. In these instances we send follow-up emails and if there are time sensitive issues we sometimes have to go the route of making decisions without her. We do this by emailing and letting her know, “since I (or we) have not received a response for you I will be moving forward with ______.” My advice here: pick your battles. What matters most is everything is being documented - even her inability to co-parent.
It’s been about 5 years since we made this switch and though it took awhile to get into the groove - in other words - for the ex to get on board… it’s pretty easy now. Sometimes we still have to say, “we’ll respond via email.” but we see and celebrate the improvements.
If you’re thinking about making a change - share this with your partner. Have a discussion. Weigh the pros and cons!
Let me know if you found this helpful, if you have questions or what your experience has been. I’d love to hear from you!
