The Ex: A Peace Offering
Though I disagree with the weight that’s placed on stepmoms to develop some form of a relationship with the ex, it’s a reality for many of us. When should you meet her? What should you say? Or more importantly, what shouldn’t you say? You want her to see you as a human. You may not understand or want to admit it - but you want her to accept you or at least respect you, believing it will help you settle into your role as a stepmom. Does this resonate?
The relationship we choose to have with the ex is just that - a choice. I speak to many stepmoms who have never met the ex - totally fine if that works for you and your family! Others, like myself, interact and converse as needed. For those who choose the path of some interaction with the ex - or are wondering if it’s right for you- this post is for you.
I did an article for Gabrielle Hartley about this dynamic and things to consider - you can read that here. In the article I mention the concept of a Peace Offering. It’s what many of us think about doing - and some actually do as an effort to humanize ourselves, break the ice and possibly move forward to, well… peace. In 2015, 2 months after we got married I sent the ex my version of a peace offering. Reading it now - 6 years later, I won’t lie to you… it’s a bit cringe. I say this because I was so full of hope. At the time I was desperate for her acknowledgement and perhaps still high off the oxytocin from our wedding. Ha! I wanted to be “happily blended” and I wanted her to know I was open and sincere …. she never replied to my email.
I am sharing this part of my journey (my letter to her is below - be gentle with me. Ha!) to say if it’s in your heart to take a chance and make a statement this bold - do it. Do it and know you’ll be okay even if she doesn’t respond. Do it and know that perhaps she’s not in the same place as you - and that’s okay. Write the letter, and maybe don’t even send it - let that be therapeutic enough. If you have no desire to reach out to her and you’re just shoulding on yourself - well here’s your sign: release yourself of that burden.
Since the letter she’s shut me out, belittled me, and ignored me. To make it complicated, she has also been kind, given me gifts and even went so far as to say, “he’s {my SS} lucky to have you.” It’s a wild ride she keeps me on, but I do have the power to hop off at any time. Hello, boundaries.
So - do I regret sending it? Absolutely not. Looking back I see this email was part of my journey and I needed to get these thoughts and feelings out of me - I needed to share them with her. Though she has never reciprocated this vulnerability, I know I took a chance and was authentic to myself. Regardless of how she’s treated me, I’ve upheld my end and that’s what matters to me.
Have you ever made a peace offering - how did it go? If you haven’t - do you want to?
